Monday, October 13, 2014


this past week, i went shopping for a baby shower gift for a friend.  although i love babies and friends having babies, i sometimes have a hard time going to baby showers.  it's just another reminder of something that will never be for me.  

it's a reminder that i am childless.  
nobody will ever throw me a baby shower. 
nobody will ever visit me in the hospital after i give birth. 
nobody will bring meals to my house and coo over the newest addition to my family.
no sweet baby will look at me with such recognition, trust, and love.

as i was looking for the perfect gift for my friend's newest bundle of joy, i was reminded of all the things i will never buy and never do.  it made me feel empty and sad.  like a part of me was out there missing somewhere.  incomplete.

then, i was reminded of all the blessings that i do have.  they flooded into my mind one by one.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have not forgotten about me.  i matter to Them.  They are mindful of me.  i may not understand everything at this time, but i don't need to.  They understand and that is enough.  

this is a test of faith.  
faith in Them.  
faith in Their plan.  
and mostly, faith in myself and my testimony.

 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;  --  Abraham 3:25

i may have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, but They understand and will judge according to circumstances and things beyond our control.  

it is my hope that they will judge based on my mother heart.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014


this past sunday, in relief society, we were taught of the importance of being grateful in all circumstances.  not just when times are good.  not just when times are bad.  but in all times.  always. 

i needed this lesson.  i had toyed with the idea of not going to church at all on sunday.  so grateful i went.  it was truly what i needed to hear.  i rarely share with those around me what is going on in my life.  i tend to be a pretty private person.  that isn't healthy.  we are all dealing with something.  none of us gets off scot-free without going through trials and difficulties.  for some the trials are short-lived and for others the trials may last for years or even a lifetime.

the lesson was on President Uchtdorf's talk from april 2014 general conference, 'Grateful in Any Circumstances'.  he states that we all have something to be grateful for, regardless of the difficulties we experience.  so true.  just take a minute to think of things you're grateful for.  it may be hard at first, but as we switch our mentality from one where we dwell on the bad to one where we dwell on the good, it becomes easier and easier.  not to mention healthier.  does this make the difficulties go away?  no, but it can make them easier to handle.  at least it does for me. 

gratitude is a choice.  it's not something you just get.  but, like anything rewarding, if you choose to be grateful, it pays off big time.  gratitude helps us in our relationships.  our jobs.  our health.  it helps to strengthen our testimony and exercise hope and faith.  

i encourage you to make a list of your blessings and things you're grateful for.  just like the song, 'count your many blessings', you may be surprised to see 'what the Lord hath done' for you in your life.

i choose to be grateful.  

grateful for the ability to be artistic, use my imagination, and create.  
grateful to enjoy the beauty of nature in four seasons.  
grateful to work.
grateful for temporal blessings.
even more grateful for spiritual blessings.
grateful for fulfilling relationships.
grateful to learn.
grateful for my testimony.

grateful for the knowledge that even though i don't have children, i am still important and loved.  oftentimes, i feel that not having had children makes me less of a woman somehow and that is so NOT the case.  infertility has such a negative stigma.  it's difficult when people won't talk with you about it outright, especially if they are talking about you with other people.  it shouldn't be that way.  it is important to be kind, since you never know the struggles that others face.

today, i am grateful for my mother heart.  i am grateful for my desire to be a mother.  

today, that is enough.

if you'd like to read or listen to Pres. Uchtdorf's talk, please click here.  
i would highly recommend it, especially if you're currently struggling.

for me

this blog is for me. 
for me to share my journey with infertility. 
for me to express thoughts and feelings. 
for me to come to terms with things that may never be. 
for me to connect with others that experience similar circumstances. 
for me to know of my mother heart.

in some ways this blog is for you
for you to know you are not alone. 
for you to share. 
for you to know you are loved.

i live in a predominately LDS community, which i love.
however, at times i feel overwhelming sorrow because i don't have children of my own, especially when i know that families, procreation, and rejoicing in your heritage is central to the Father's plan. i do have a testimony of that plan. we don't know the reasons for all that we experience in our lives on earth. this life requires a lot of faith. i am grateful for my faith and the knowledge that i am loved. 

join me and together we can share our 
mother hearts