faith

this past week, i went shopping for a baby shower gift for a friend.  although i love babies and friends having babies, i sometimes have a hard time going to baby showers.  it's just another reminder of something that will never be for me.  

it's a reminder that i am childless.  

nobody will ever throw me a baby shower. 

nobody will ever visit me in the hospital after i give birth. 

nobody will bring meals to my house and coo over the newest addition to my family.
no sweet baby will look at me with such recognition, trust, and love.

as i was looking for the perfect gift for my friend's newest bundle of joy, i was reminded of all the things i will never buy and never do.  it made me feel empty and sad.  like a part of me was out there missing somewhere.  incomplete.

then, i was reminded of all the blessings that i do have.  they flooded into my mind one by one.  Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ have not forgotten about me.  i matter to Them.  They are mindful of me.  i may not understand everything at this time, but i don't need to.  They understand and that is enough.  

this is a test of faith.  

faith in Them.  

faith in Their plan.  

and mostly, faith in myself and my testimony.

 And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them;  --  Abraham 3:25

i may have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth, but They understand and will judge according to circumstances and things beyond our control.  

it is my hope that they will judge based on my mother heart.

for me

this blog is for me. 

for me to share my journey with infertility. 

for me to express thoughts and feelings. 

for me to come to terms with things that may never be. 

for me to connect with others that experience similar circumstances. 

for me to know of my mother heart.

in some ways this blog is for you. 

for you to know you are not alone. 

for you to share. 

for you to know you are loved.

i live in a predominately LDS community, which i love.
however, at times i feel overwhelming sorrow because i don't have children of my own, especially when i know that families, procreation, and rejoicing in your heritage is central to the Father's plan. i do have a testimony of that plan. we don't know the reasons for all that we experience in our lives on earth. this life requires a lot of faith. i am grateful for my faith and the knowledge that i am loved. 

join me and together we can share our 

mother hearts